The National Rifle Association generously donated assault rifles to survivors of the Newtown, CT, massacre today, telling the group that the only way to prevent another attack is to arm themselves to the hilt.

At a press conference in Newtown, NRA President Wayne LaPierre said his organization was sending a free Bushmaster AR-15, the same type of gun used in the shooting, by mail to each and every family with children who survived the Sandy Hook attack.... Read More →

Amid protests over the death of a Delhi rape victim from wounds suffered at the hands of her attackers, the Indian government is reportedly considering banning rape altogether to prevent future fatalities.

Sources close to Prime Minister Manmohan Singh say that although the government is loath to regulate the "sexual choices" of its citizens, rape's strong association with "real violence" such as this month's deadly attack has left parliament no choice but to intervene.... Read More →

Fox News host Bill O'Reilly was arrested in New York today for assaulting a department store Santa Claus at Macy's.

According to local reports, the 63-year-old conservative pundit was shopping at the venerated Manhattan landmark for a last-minute Christmas gift and became enraged when the on-site Santa wished him "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas."... Read More →

One day after suffering a humiliating legislative defeat at the hands of his own caucus, Speaker of the House John Boehner has come out swinging, calling Tea Party congresspeople 'morons' and 'Neanderthals'.

During a live telephone interview with his hometown newspaper, The Dayton Daily Press, Boehner lashed out at his party's 'extreme views' on taxes that are blocking a compromise deal to avoid the fiscal cliff, and promised to force a solution on his members. ... Read More →

Congressman Louie Gohmert is being roundly criticized today for controversial comments in which he suggests that future school shootings could be prevented if children were allowed to carry guns in schools.

The Texas Republican was interviewed by a local TV news station this morning about the issue of gun violence in schools, and he wasted no time laying the blame at the feet of "godless government bureaucrats" who prevent children from defending themselves with firearms.... Read More →

Actor Gerard Depardieu escalated his fight with the French government today by challenging Prime Minister Jean-Marc Ayrault to a duel.

The surprise move comes amid the actor's ongoing row with Ayrault's Socialist government over the proposed 75% tax rate on individuals making more than €1 million a year.... Read More →

Former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee is attracting withering criticism today for linking recent mass shootings to homosexuality and the rapid rise in American shellfish consumption.

On his eponymous radio show today the ordained Babtist minister said that "pro-homosexual" and "pro-crustacean" sentiments in America's culture were eroding the country's Judeo-Christian moral values, leading to increasingly disturbing mass violence. ... Read More →

Daily deals website Groupon announced today that the company has hired its very first full-time accountant.

24 year old Matt Parker, a recent accounting graduate of the University of Wisconsin,  has been brought on board to begin recording Groupon's financial transactions for the brand new bookkeeping department. ... Read More →

In a show of bipartisan unity President Obama will ask defeated presidential candidate Mitt Romney to take up an important diplomatic role within his administration, The Daily Currant can reveal.

Multiple sources have confirmed that in the coming days Romney - a former governor of the frigid state of Massachusetts  - will be named ambassador to Greenland, a frozen island off Canada's arctic coast owned by Denmark, a crucial NATO ally.... Read More →

An online petition demanding that President Obama 'not be a pussy' on gun control has garnered over 50,000 signatures on the White House's website.

The petition urges President Obama in no uncertain terms to overcome his fear of the electoral consequences and pass more stringent gun measures.

The president has often espoused an interest in more regulations on firearms; however, he has not proposed a single new law since he has been in office. This inaction came despite the fact that five of the 12 deadliest gun massacres in U.S. history have taken place during his first term.... Read More →

U.S. scholar and political activist Noam Chomsky, known as a vocal left-wing critic of the United States government and its foreign policies, announced today he is quitting his activism and joining Fox News as a host and conservative pundit.

In a statement posted on his website Monday morning, Chomsky wrote that he has decided to abandon left-wing political activism due to “personal finance concerns” and to join the right-wing network as a co-host of the “Fox & Friends” morning show.... Read More →

Satan denied school shooter Adam Lanza entry into hell today, saying the recently deceased 20-year-old is "too screwed up" to be admitted to his lair.

The perpetrator of one of the worst mass-murders in American history will be locked in purgatory until the Devil can arrange for him to go someplace else.... Read More →